William Schooler, 70, a beloved pastor with “deep roots it the community,” was shot and killed Sunday by his brother in the office of St. Peters Missionary Baptist Church in Dayton, Ohio just as the Sunday service was ending. His brother Daniel, 68, is charged with the murder. Though details of the conflict have not been released, the story illustrates the tragic depths to which a breach between siblings can go. And such breaches between siblings are all around us.

The Parable of the Prodigal Son in this Sunday’s gospel is a story of two sons jockeying for their place in relationship to their father’s approval. In other words, an archetypal story of sibling rivalry.

Most of us can relate. Only 26 percent of 18- to 65-year-olds in an Oakland University survey reported having a highly supportive sibling relationship; 19 percent had an apathetic relationship, 16 percent had a hostile one, and experts estimate 3 to 10 percent have completely severed contact with a brother or sister!

Only 26 percent of 18- to 65-year-olds in an Oakland University survey reported having a highly supportive sibling relationship; 19 percent had an apathetic relationship, 16 percent had a hostile one, and experts estimate 3 to 10 percent have completely severed contact with a brother or sister!

Our siblings are the people we know for the longest stretch of our lives—for more years, typically, than our parents, spouses, or our own children. If you live 80 years and have a sibling living about that many years, no other relationship is going to match it in terms of longevity. That’s a lot of shared history, a storehouse of memories that no one else can access or relate to. That is why ruptures in these relationships are particularly painful.

In part, evolution is responsible, says Frank Sulloway, professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley. Siblings are “hardwired to engage in rivalry” because we compete with one another for one of life’s most critical resources—parental care. “Two hundred years ago, half of all children did not make it out of childhood,” he says. “The intensity of sibling competition makes much more sense when you realize that very small differences in parental favoritism could determine whether a child is taken to a doctor or not.” And most parents do have favorites, according to research.

In this light, the bitterness the older brother expresses in the parable on seeing a feast prepared for his wasteful and wanton brother is understandable. It resonates with our own childhood bitterness that our parent seemed to favor a brother or sister over us.
 

Lessons drawn from the gospel story

If you are a parent of several children, ask yourself if your behavior favors one child over another. Lest you think you are above all that and completely impartial, track the amount of time you spend talking alone with each child in the next week, the next month—it might be eye-opening!

If you see yourself as the prodigal child, the repentance of the prodigal in the gospel story is your cue. While there may not be a feast thrown in your honor, if you focus on reconciliation, you will find it. Even if others are not ready to forgive and move on, you will be able to.

And if you are the good son or daughter who carries a lot of resentment, Then perhaps it’s time to “break character” and speak up. But also be willing to hear others’ points of view, which are sure to be different. Just because you all come from the same family doesn’t mean you had the same experience! Listen. Negotiate. Work it out. Heal.
 

Final thought in light of this news

Broken families lead to a broken society. We see the carnage all around us in the headlines. But less visible is the daily “silent carnage” of broken family relationships and sibling estrangement. The beauty of the Parable of the Prodigal Son is that we can all see ourselves in it. Acknowledge your part and work to heal the breach.